Theater Etiquette!By RodneyHatfieldJr for Into The Mind
Our little historical 104-year-old theater is scheduled to reopen this weekend(HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY HAPPY HAPPY JOY). That means regular theaters will not be far behind. A horror movie in the theater, like peanut butter and chocolate, it's a wonderful thing. The surround sound, the giant screen, and depending on where you go comfortable chairs. You sit in the dark with others. When the film is building up to a scare, the whole theater can feel it. The tension is mounting, the killer is ready to make his move when-
“Sorry, excuse me, excuse me, just gonna squeeze past you.”
'Are you kidding me?! Move your dumbass out the way. Did you not hear the music? Is the screen too small to see then tension on the actors? Why are you moving right now? Unless it is an emergency, sit down.'
This is a massive festering oozing pet peeve of mine(also spelling breathe and then use it as a noun). I want to punch you in the throat and watch you gasp for breathE. Please help me, Baby Jesus. I don't know if it is a tension headache or a brain tumor.
That is one of the reasons why I sit in the last roll when I watch a film. Naturally, any rational thinking individual wouldn’t want to do this to any of their fellow moviegoers. Read on and learn some other essential movie theater etiquette. If you can abide by these basic fundamental rules of movie theater etiquette, congratulations! You’re a pillar of the movie public. I and others thank you. Please feel free to see a movie in the same theater as me at any time. If you can’t abide by these rules; then keep your selfish ass at home and stream it. We all hate you.
Don’t Bring Your Children to a Scary Movie
This should go without saying, right? I don’t care if the little angel watches Human Centipede and thinks it’s a comedy. Nor do I care that babysitters are expensive and you really want to see the movie. Guess what? So do I.
Here is some breaking news for you. Movies are an increasingly expensive night out and I don’t want to hear your child start crying if the movie is too scary, or giggling at a scary movie sex scene. You might think it’s cute when Jr. asks(yells) “Is he the bad guy mommy?” You are in the minority. If it is a PG movie, then this does not apply.
Know When to Pick an Aisle Seat
If you have a bladder the size of a walnut or suffer from a tapeworm; don’t pick a seat in the middle of the roll. No one likes having to get up a bunch of times or having you awkwardly shuffle your ass or crotch in front of their face as you come and go.
It’s distracting and uncomfortable for everyone involved.
Hand holding and cuddling at a scary movie is one of life’s simple pleasures. I still do that after 25 years together. But for the love of God, no one wants to hear or see you trying to swallow each other's face.
99.9% of the time the people exercising PDA look like an elephant seal and a sloth fighting over a sardine. That’s not the kind of fear and disgust anyone is looking for at the movies.
Shut the Hell Up
We have had movie theaters for 124 years. And people still screw this up? Gasps, exclamations, and screams are all welcome at scary movies. Matter of fact, it adds to the atmosphere. But talking to the characters on screen and whispering to your friends is beyond bad manners.
If you talk to the screen, I’m just going to assume you are mentally unstable and eat crayons regularly. If you talk to your friend, then I’m going to assume you are a grade-A asshat.
Yes, I Can See You Texting
Just so you know, I hate you. And I hope you drop your phone on concrete and it shatters into a million pieces and then a very large dog comes along and pees on the broken pieces. Remember if you dim the brightness on your screen, I can still see you and so can everyone else. We are in a dark room genius. If someone texts you and you can’t stop wondering what it could be, give it a quick glance to ease your mind. Turn it to silent mode, and put it away.
If it is an emergency? Leave. If it isn’t, don’t engage in a conversation. Pretty simple.
Leave Only Footprints
Did you enjoy your large popcorn, pickle(we have those around here), and Dr. Pepper? Great! Show your appreciation by throwing your trash in the bin instead of leaving them for your fellow moviegoers to kick over and trip on as they leave.
The poor kid sweeping up the theater is going to be there long enough sweeping all those kernels you dropped, don’t add more on top of it. This isn't your parent's basement. Clean up your garbage.
*DISCLAIMER* These rules do not apply to movies like Rocky Horror Picture Show and Repo! The Genetic Opera. These types of things are encouraged, and I highly recommend you go watch one of these audience participation films. Also, don't forget to dress up.
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